Friday, April 28, 2006

NCAA To Expand Bowl Field, Myles Brand To Bathe in Tub Filled with Gold Bullion

So Much Cash, Gotta Keep It In Hefty Bags

Myles Brand must need new shoes. According to the Associated Press, the NCAA recently approved four new bowl games. One of these new Bowls will be a fifth "BCS" Bowl designed to keep the NCAA regents and directors neck deep in silk linens, lobster tails, and imported euro-asian hookers everyday for the next 2000 years.

I have no idea why the NCAA decided that these games were necessary. Well, yes I do.

Last year there were 28 bowl games. These included the MPC Computers Bowl, the San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl, the aptly named Fort Worth Bowl, the Meineke Car Care Bowl, the Bowl, and you get the picture.

Quick Test: 1) Where were these games were played, 2) who played in them, 3) who won, and 4) what was your favorite memory from the game.

If you got a zero, you're not alone. Despite the fact that no one wants to watch Houston or Kansas play football, much less in a bowl gainst each other, you're going to get more of it. The College Football post season is generally seen by its faithful followers as a reward for superior in-season play. You play well, you go to a bowl. Unfortunately, it hasn't been that way for a while.

Look at Kansas. A stellar 6-5 overall record. A whopping 3-5 in conference. Yet off to a bowl they went. It's only going to get worse. The Bowl field could grow to 32 bowls by the end of this upcoming season. It's fairly conceivable that big conference teams with losing records will go to bowl games as the bowl field continues to increase. There are 119 D1-A schools. The thought that 54% of them will play in bowl games is rediculous. Lets just change the name to the NHL and be done with it. It is now officially harder to miss the post season than to make it.

It has nothing to do with wins or loses, it has to do with soaking as much money out of post-season starved alumni as possible. But then again, I'm not telling you anything you don't already know. Now it will simply be a little more blatant.

The three new pseudo-bowls will include International Bowl, the Birmingham Bowl, and the New Mexico Bowl. First, the International Bowl, which should be played on an island in the south Atlantic so we don't have to watch or hear about it, will be played in Toronto. The only way this is a good idea is if the NCAA's ban on booze during games is lifted and a fresh I.V. of Labbatt's is administered to every poor sucker who paid admission. I can only hope that the game is played under Canadian Football rules. That, I would pay to see.

However, there are positives to the idea of the International Bowl. 1) The drinking age in Canada is 19. Therefore, college students who are under age in the states, yet legal on Canadian soil, can party it up legally while "supporting" their team. 2) The dollar goes a lot farther in Toronto than in Houston. Its a fact. Hotels, food, tickets, etc. will be a lot cheaper in Toronto than in the states. Gotta love the depressed Canadian economy. Look at all that pink and purple. (Our Money sure is gay.) Beer and booze however, are a tad pricy due to government regulations. 3) Canadians are just so darn nice. Think about it. You can piss on the space needle and they'll ask if you need toilet paper. Everyone says hello and excuse me. They'll even help you clean the vomit off your West Virginia jersey after the game. You can't ask for more than that.

The rationale behind the soon-to-have-their-name-changed-to-a-corporate-sponsor's-name Birmingham and New Mexico Bowls leaves a little more to the imagination. Because my sister-in-law goes to BC, I admit I watched a little of the MPC Computers bowl. There were ten people there. I can't imagine anyone got much of a payoff from participating in it. I'm willing to bet it cost more to play in the game than the payout. That is what you're gonna get with these two new turkeys. From what I'm told, the Birmingham and New Mexico bowl people "pooled their resources" and had a successful meeting with NCAA overlord Myles Brand. A photo from the meeting appears on the right.

What makes it worse is the fact that this is going to strech out the bowl season EVEN LONGER than it already is. I miss the days where January first, you'd wake up with a hangover, put on some sweats, order a pizza, make a bloody mary, and plop down in front of the tube content that you were watching the end of the college football season. There was peace and finality to it. Now it'll be Easter before than damn season is over. Again, just change the name to the NHL and get it over with.

Actually, the season will end January 8th. One of the four new bowls will be the yet unnamed Fifth BSC game which will be played in Glendale, Arizona in the Cardinal's new stadium. This unnamed cash cow will host the national championship game on January 8, 2007. That's right. January 8. More than a full week after the new year, we still won't have a national champion. Why is it whenever the NCAA does something that impacts college football I feel like I need a shower? 5 Major bowls, at least 26 minor ones.

Man. I can't wait to see Baylor play Arkansas State in the Birmingham Toilet Bowl.

I need a shower.


At 9:55 AM, Blogger Dan Ording said...

Theres actually 119 teams in D-1, that chart u linked to contained neutral site attendance stats that added stadiums to the existing actual home games. Which makes the 32 bowls and 64 bowl teams even more remarkable. Over 1/2 of the teams will play in bowl games.

At 9:57 AM, Blogger Maize n Brew Dave said...

Thanks for the save. I knew it didn't seem right. Posting in a hurry is never a good idea.

At 3:20 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

"There are 119 D1-A schools. The thought that 54% of them will play in bowl games is rediculous. Lets just change the name to the NHL and be done with it."

Yet, somehow, the Blackhawks missed the cut-off. Again.

-- Your favorite Red Wings fan

At 8:06 AM, Blogger Windycity Wolverine said...

Don't fret about the Labatts, Maize. The NC$$ doesn't control alcohol sales at bowl games. Of course, if Michigan State ever plays at the Skydome, the rule may change. But in the meantime, let the Canadian beer flow!!!


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