Monday, August 07, 2006

Maize n Brew Off-Season Quiz

Dear God. What in the world is happening in college sports? It seems every day a new Division I athlete is driving his Escalade through a petting zoo while hopped up on Rhino tranquilizers.

Well I hope you've been paying attention. Get out your No. 2 Pencil, put away your books, because it's pop quiz time, Maize n Brew Style!

1. You are an Athlete in California for a major college athletic program. You are given the opportunity to take performance enhancing "supplements" from a Mexican pharmacy that doubles as a donkey show bar at night. The donkey also provides the DNA for your "supplements". You take the "supplements" and get caught. What do you do?

A. 5-10 years in Federal Pound Me In The Ass Prison for violating federal drug laws.
B. Give the finger to the press and go on to pass Babe Ruth on the All-Time Home Run list. Stand at home plate after passing The Babe and give the crowd the finger just for good measure.
C. Develop Man Boobs.
D. Quit the team, taking your twin brother with you because it's not fair to subject him to the "situation" you created. Wink, wink.
E. Win Tour D'France.

2. You are 18 years old. You are a top recruit to a prominent SEC football program. You have also been drinking and driving. When the police pull you over for driving on the sidewalk, and the officer is at your driver side window what do you do?

A. Remove hooker's head from lap when Cop taps on the window. Point. Explain nothing. Drive away.
B. Explain to the officer that the sidewalk looked like a more comfortable place to drive.
C. Tell the officer that coach wanted his Cheetoes "Now Dammit!", and he didn't care how you got them to him. Just following coach's instructions.
D. Try to talk your way out of it, cry like four year old with an elbow abrasion, get thrown in slammer, get booted from team.
E. Tell cop at least you weren't waving a gun at him like some other moron you know, hope his idiocy makes yours seem a little less bad. Pray for a warning.

3. You are the quarterback for the pre-season No. 1 rated team in college football. You can have anything you want: cars, money, guns, drugs, or any of the above at the same time. However, accepting any of the above without paying or earning them through actual documented work is a expulsion worthy offense. You have no appreciable skills other than the ability to throw a football a long way and get hit very hard by guys in orange uniforms. You are also self described as dumb. You need a summer job. Which of the below should you take?

A. Brian Bosworth needs a valet. Totally knows where all the cool parties are. Downside, must literally carry his jock strap while singing "I'm a little teapot".
B. Sleazy car salesman, who is not Ed Martin, offers you $10,000 in cash to "work" at his dealership. (For purposes of this answer work is defined as picking nose and never showing up to the place that "employs" you.)
C. Go to summer school. Learn to read. Finally understand what "NCAA violation" really means.
D. Transfer to Texas A&M Commerce.
E. Work at Dairy Queen.*

4. Continuing from Question 3: You decide to take $10,000 from a sleazy car salesman. You understand that this is prohibited by NCAA rules. What do you do with the money?

A. Report it on your income taxes. You don't want the IRS all over your back. Man. No Way. You can, like, totally get in trouble.
B. Put money in duffel bag under bed. Take it out from time to time. Look at it. Rub the crisp $50 bills on your face. Laugh. Return them to duffel bag.
C. Put sweet new rims on your H2. You know. The one you got when you were being recruited by Ohio State.
D. Buy moving truck. Fill with cigarettes. Drive around town pulling horn yelling "I'm rich Biatch!"
E. Invest it in municipal bonds. You're gonna need a nest egg when you get caught.

5. You are a freshman in college at Arkansas. You were the SEC freshman of the year. You have a fake I.D. You are at a bar drinking illegally. Someone "gets up in your grill". What is your best course of action?

A. Walk away, too much on the line.
B. Bust up your toe while trying to see how far you can stick your foot up the offender's ass. Limp to jail when cops come an arrest you for underage drinking, possession of fake I.D. and assault and battery.
C. Break bottle over your own head to show the offender you mean business. Then use broken end as a weapon.
D. Step back, tell Dalton what's going down. Watch him kick dude's ass then head off with Kelly Lynch.
E. Buy offender a drink, then ask him what the five fingers said to the face.

6. You play football in Miami. Which of the following applies to you?

A. You've been shot in the ass. Literally.
B. You are a potential top ten NFL draft pick, yet you have a registered 9mm handgun which you discharged in "self defense".
C. You have an arrest record that would make John Dillinger proud. Its bad enough down there to make you want out of Miami.
D. On stake-out with Tubbs. Shit's going down tonight. Can't wait for the jet boat chase followed by earth shattering explosion which mysteriously does not have any concussion blast.
E. Have been suspended for undisclosed reasons. Michael Irvin was never suspended at Miami. What the eff did you do?

7. You play football at Utah State. You have a history of stupid behavior. You've been sanctioned by the team numerous times. You are not a starter nor are you NFL material. You have been given three prior chances to make good. What do you do with your fourth chance?

A. Attend church regularly. Become evangelical. Routinely chastise those around you, including family members, for their sinful ways. Get drafted by Bears. Blow out knee. Live in trailer park for rest of life.
B. Realize you are only a sophomore, tone down ways. Attempt to earn degree.
C. Get busted with four other teammates with a copious amount of Northern California Sensimia, get booted from team.
D. Establish gambling ring which involves the New Jersey Mob, the NHLPA, and the NFL's all-time leading goal scorer's wife. Act like you did nothing wrong when caught.
E. Transfer to Miami.

8. You are a up and coming star running back for the returning National Championship team. What is the best method of transporting 4 pounds of marijuana?

A. Put it in a pouch that girlfriend can wear around stomach. Claim to have impregnated her.
B. Dye it black. Wear it as giant 'fro. Claim Ben Wallace's was your inspiration.
C. Put it in an Eastpak with numerous "LEGALIZE IT!" and "420" patches on it. Walk through police line stoned to the bejeezus belt.
D. Call Leon Lett.
E. Don't. You're the star. People want to be near you. Have some other sucker do the transporting. Being a gansta means havin' others do the work while you sit back in your throne with a mound of coke in front of you. You ain't got time for little biz like that.

9. You are a sophomore at San Jose State University. Your meal money is running a little low. What is the best way to raise money?

A. Sell Gold C coupon books. Everybody loves those.
B. Take uncompromising photos of other college football teams. Attempt blackmail. When that fails give photos to EDSBS out of spite.
C. Buy taser. Lure people in using Craigslist. Rob them at taser/gun point.
D. Call Ramonce Taylor, I understand he's looking for a "runner".
E. Rob people who know who you are outside a bar. Then pose for photos with them.

10. You play football at Auburn. You are also a student there. Books are not your strong suit. However, NCAA rule require a minimum GPA for some strange reason. What do you do to qualify?

A. Sleep with smart girl. Get her to do your work. Pass it off as your own.
B. Say screw it. Go on bender. Get suspended for four games. It was bound to happen anyway.
C. Find a professor who cares more about the football team's ranking than his department's academic reputation. Take full advantage of this.
D. Put in the effort. Attempt to make it. Request academic support from your school's advisors and counselors who, you know, you were introduced to and are required to report to every week.
E. Switch majors to General Studies.

Alright Class! Time's Up! Put your pencils down and pass your tests to the front. Maize n Brew will grade them and pass judgment on you and your program by the end of the week. Until then I understand Bomar's throwin a wicked rippin pahtay and Ramonce is supplying the... um... favors. Jerome Jackson's providing the rhymes! See you there.

* (Tester's error. This is an answer for the question "What will your career options be after being expelled for a NCAA violation like taking $10,000 from a sleazy car salesman.")

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