Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Recruiting Wars Turn on Creativity

Negative Recruiting Fun Time

A buddy of mine sent me some great stuff off the message boards. He's a Domer, but always seems to find the stuff that cracks me up the most about our own Michigan mania. He dug up the following from one of the Michigan Scout board (sorry, the link cycled through before I could post this).

Things ND is allegedly saying to UM/ND recruits:
  • N.D. is telling U of M recruits that after they beat U of M again Carr will be fired.
  • Carr's health is failing and that they should check around the Internet to confirm it.
  • N.D. degrees across the board are more recognized than U of M's.
  • Ann Arbor is just an extesion of Detroit and that the crime rate is off the charts.
Am I the only person who finds these things funny? I don't know if this is real or not, but dammit, at least they're creative. The last one is my favorite. I couldn't walk to the Union without packing heat. Really. You've seen Demolition Man, right? The opening scene where they fly into a gang war zone ravaged LA. Yeah, that's Ann Arbor.

Ann Arbor = Bosnia
Mike McElhatton

While I enjoy the UM/ND rivalry, Carr will never be fired for losing to the Domers. Continuing to lose to Cheatypants however, that could eventually get him fired. Lloyd's health is in question? Have they seen Charlie Weis? Just so you know, Lloyd's man boobs are as pert and flush as ever thank you. The third? You're kidding right? If that's actually being used the value of a Notre Dame degree is worth less today than before that phrase was uttered.

To wit, I have come up with some great negative recruiting tatics that the Michigan recruiting staff is free to use (Yes, most of them are fat jokes):
  • The locker room smells like cat pee. Seriously. They can't clean it out.
  • The Touchdown Jesus is vengeful. If you screw up during a game he will haunt you like Hamlet's father. Haven't read Hamlet, huh? Okay, like that chick in The Ring. You saw that? I thought so. He will haunt your ass.
  • The Leprechaun owns that school. Anything or anyone he wants he can have. Quinn spent the summer huddled in a ball in his room crying because of that guy.
  • The coaching staff doesn't take feedback well. The last guy who offered constructive critisim had a "dinner" meeting with Weis and was never heard from again.
  • Ever hear of parietals?
  • Tom Lemming and Mel Kiper get keys to your rooms. It's part of the deal.
  • Lou Holtz can return and take over the team any time he wants. If he wants to show up in the middle of a game, Charlie is contractually obligated to hand over his headset and bring Lou Gatorade for the rest of the game.
  • Dude. You'd be stuck in Indiana.
  • Weis' health is failing him. His stomach is actually consuming him from the inside out. His frontal ass is merely an extention of his stomach as it grows from consuming his internal organs.
  • Weis will be fired if they lose to Michigan State again.
  • It's easier to get around Los Angeles than South Bend. Safer too.
  • Notre Dame's not all its cracked up to be academically. Hell, guys at Auburn have higher GPA's than most of the Notre Dame team.
  • Just so you know, all Notre Dame athletes are required to join a super secret cabal devoted to protecting the secrets of the Catholic Church known, known only as the "Illuminati". It requires your penis being cut off.
They meet bi-annually at a secret Colorado location known only as
"The Meadows"
  • You realize the last national championship Notre Dame won was in Women's Basketball?
  • These are what your fans will look like. If you go there you will end up dancing like them too.
  • You'll have to room with Jimmy Clausen.
  • Weis will be fired if they lose to USC again.
  • You might get to a bowl game at ND, but just like everyone there since 1993 you're sure as hell not going to win it.
  • The scout team at Notre Dame is the women's rugby team. They always win. They're also the best looking girls there.
  • Jeff Samarajzczwksqrkmnpscza gets to do your hair. Then you have to do his.
Just some thoughts to help Michigan in the dirtier-than-ever recruiting wars. I just want to do my part to aid them in recruiting the finest, smartest talent that can be swayed by such nonsense. Feel free to add new ones.


At 5:25 PM, Blogger fightinamish said...

Right, so technically most of that is true, especially the Kiper and Lemming thing. But who is this "Wies" fellow?

At 7:48 PM, Blogger Font O'Know said...

Does your domer wife read this?

She should also be able to tell you that since winning the Women's Basketball National Championship, ND has also won the 2003 and 2005 Fencing National Championships, and the 2004 Womens Soccer Championship.

At 6:53 AM, Blogger bullfrog said...

I think the Auburn guys have higher GPAs than most of MIT, too.

At 7:23 AM, Blogger Maize n Brew Dave said...

Amish - Damn you spell check! Noted and repaired. If I am to taunt the man, I should at least have the courtesy of spelling his name right.

Font - Um. Ok.

Notre Dame Visit
* Recruit - So what kind of championships has the school won recently?
* ND Staff - Man, it was so sweet, just brought home the 2005 FENCING CHAMPIONSHIP. So friggin sweet.
* Recruit - Um. Ok.

Michigan Visit
* Recruit - So what kind of championships has the school won recently?
* UM Staff - 2005 Beer Pong National Championship.
* Recruit - Tell me more.

And with that the 5* goes to Michigan. That simple. Fencing v. Beer Pong. Beer Pong always wins, unless you're in 16th century France.

At 3:04 PM, Anonymous the walrus said...

Or a pirate...


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