Monday, November 13, 2006

Only A Few Teams Seem To Want To Play In National Championship Game

Majority of Teams Prefer Second Loss to Visiting Glendale

(AP) - Despite Glendale, Arizona's multi-million dollar push to encourage universities and their fan bases to get excited about visiting a place people go to die, it appears teams are intentionally sabotaging their seasons to avoid the trip. Several teams initially expressed interest in coming to Glendale, but only if the delivery of the Waterford football was guaranteed and only if they could stay in nearby Tijuana, Mexico, citing safety concerns.

The first to back out of their scheduled trip was Louisville. Beating West Virginia seemed to have guaranteed a trip to Arizona for the Cardinals. Brian Brohm, being the fair skinned variety, stated her prefers playing in outside of such sun drenched locations. In fact, he played the second half of Thursday's game against Rutgers as if even the thought of the Glendale sun would give him melanoma.

Texas, the recipient of Brohm and Louisville's generosity, peaked under the wrapping paper, taped the hole back up, and fed-exed their plane tickets back to the Glendale Championship committee. Just to make their point they dropped a close one to Kansas State in Manhattan. The Longhorns decided that a second loss was the new black, it goes with everything, including the rest of the pack. Ivan Maisel is being coaxed back in off the ledge, as all of his columns this year were tied to Texas' national championship hopes. As for Bevo, he was quite proud to see his troops stay home.

Figuring they could visit anytime they wanted to, the Cal Bears went into hibernation during the last quarter of Saturday's meltdown against Arizona. But if you live in California you really don't need any more sun, so the Bears decided it was better to play in the Liberty Bowl in scenic Whale's Vagina (German translation of San Diego). Sun is sun if you're from Cali. But they might actually have rain if they stay in state. No moisture out in 'Zona. It's in the desert you know.

Auburn backed out as well. Trying to avoid Arizona and national exposure, Auburn's QB tossed a string on horrible interceptions and the University launched one of the worst School public service announcements/Ads in history during their game against Georgia. Not knowing it was all part of the plan, Brandon Cox threw all those INTs as a means of teaching the University a lesson. "More sociology funding, less 'War Eagle'" he later stated.

Both University of Florida and University of Arkansas spokesmen have put out press releases announcing that their teams will do everything possible to avoid going perfect the rest of the year.

"With Mississippi State and LSU remaining on our schedule, the University wants to assure its fans that they will not have to drive across country to see the Hogs play in a bowl game," University spokesman Reginald "Slim" McRow announced yesterday. ”The University is very conscious of the moderate income a degree from this fine University affords its graduates, and therefore will do everything it can to make sure that Arkansas plays in the Capital One Bowl in nearby Orlando, FL. Hog fans don't need to worry about "flyin' machines" or those west coast liberals Rush keeps talking about. We're staying out East!"

Not to be outdone, the University of Florida head coach Urban Meyer issued the following statement as well:

"I want all the members of the Gator Nation to know it is this team's single minded focus to finish with at least two losses and avoid going to Glendale. We're staying right here. Florida State's still on the schedule and so is the SEC Championship game. Just like on Saturday against South Carolina we're going to do everything in our power to let inferior teams beat us and keep us in a local bowl. The last thing I want is to announce to all those Florida graduates who want to see us in a bowl game is that they've gotta hitch up their houses, pay up their park fees, disconnect all the electrical and crap pipin', and drive cross country. I know no one would miss work, but since so many fans have credit where they are, I don't want to ruin that for them!"

No one bothered to reach Rutgers or Boise State for comment.

On the other side of the coin, Pete Carroll, still convinced that USC is undefeated, was adamant about the fact that his team, win or lose, should be crowned national champion. "Our kids have the heart of a champion. Well, not just one heart, but a lot of hearts. All their hearts are championship quality. Championships are awarded on which team has more heart. Like I said, we've got the hearts of a champion. That's why we've won four straight national championships!" Carroll concluded his statement by diving into a pool of money, cocaine and 19 year-old co-eds.

Following Michigan's triumph over Indiana head coach Lloyd Carr was brief but adamant about belonging in Glendale. Summing up his argument Carr stated "Fucking teenagers...." and then wandered off. Jim Tressel was equally excited about prospect of a trip to Glendale, citing the importance of such a game in recruiting and the proud history of Ohio State. He then stabbed the reporter and took his wallet.

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