Travel Advisory For Columbus, Ohio
I love the fact that you have to give travel advisories to Michigan fans trying simply to visit Columbus for the game this weekend. I'd do a Lonely Planet guide, but EDSBS's Auburn guide is just too perfect. Just replace Auburn University with Ohio State and Auburn, Alabama with Columbus, Ohio. They're sister cities really. Still, even the asteemed EDSBS travel guides are not enough to get a Michigan fan around Columbus unmolested. No, seriously. Un-Molested.
With the breakdown in law and order in Columbus, Ohio, the State Department has issued the following Travel Warning when traveling to Columbus, Ohio over the next two weeks.
This Travel Warning is being updated to inform American Citizens of ongoing security concerns in Columbus, Ohio and to urge American citizens to defer non-essential travel to Columbus, Ohio at this time. This supersedes the Travel Warning issued on November 19, 2005.
With the recent overthrow of the Columbus city goverment, rule of law is now carried out at the barrel of a gun or knuckles of a fist. All transport in and out of Columbus begins and ends with bomb sniffing dogs and a rectal cavity search. Those with means should be warned at this point the only currency of value is a small nut called a "buckeye" or a six-pack of beer. While several factions have emerged, the one constant among all parties is a detest of human life and couches. Most of the violence is indiscriminate at this point but persons in blue or yellow are being hunted down and beaten with bags full of the local currency.
"The 'Shoe" (below) as locals refer to it, is now the seat of the Gang/Mob rule which now governs Columbus. It is easily identified by the string of burning cars and couches leading up to its gates and the distinct smell of urine and vomit which can be smelled for miles. Justice is not fickle in this new land, it is bought. While a twelver of Hamm's will be enough to guarantee safe passage out of Columbus with one faction, should you run across another, they will beat you with sacks full of buckeyes for showing favoritism.
Persons from the 49 states not associated with Columbus are advised to avoid Ohio at all costs lest they be sucked into the vortex of destruction. While travel outside of a 200 mile parimeter surrounding Columbus is considered safer than riding on a Greyhound bus, travelers are advised to lengthen their journeys for safety's sake. For those forced to travel to Columbus, the State Department recommends bringing the following to blend in:
These necessities will keep you out of trouble.
Brought to you by Maize n Brew (with a hat tip to MZone, and EDSBS)